Decisions, decisions...

I am one of the most indecisive people in the world...a trait which makes my husband completely nuts. I will agonize over what to order from a menu and then finally make my order and the second the waiter walks away I will inevitably say, "DOH! I should've picked the other one." Rob hates it.

However once I make a decision about something and am satisfied with it I rarely alter my course because I dread making a new decision. So you can only imagine my dismay that my Midwife Stephanie retired after Max's birth. Can you think of anything that I would have a stronger opinion on than birth unless it was who will attend MY birth?

This is not a first for me. An OB/GYN delivered Caleb at Mesa Lutheran Hospital with an epidural and the list of typical medical interventions. It was a very dissatisfying experience for me and left me with a case of PPD and horrible memories which haunted me for two years until I replaced them with amazing memories of Nathaniel's beautiful planned homebirth with CPM (Certified Professional Midwife) Claudine Calligan.

When it was over; as beautiful as it was; I ended up making a list of "things I'd do differently": at which point Rob dubbed me a "birth perfectionist". He may be right about that but regardless, I remembered my list when I gave birth to Hayden in the tiny master bedroom of our first townhouse 18 months later. We were fortunate to be able to use the same Midwife.

After Hayden's birth I thought I kind of had things down and my "do differently list" was shorter. So two years later pregnant with Max---plan in hand---I tried to contact Claudine only to be heartbroken to find out she had retired! What? How could she do that without consulting me?

Years before I had met an awesome midwife named Stephanie Pennick but happenstance had kept us from meeting again. I took a chance called her up and she was available for a late September birth. She was a wonderful, hands off, quiet, background presence at Max's birth. She was a true guardian of the process while letting our family quietly experience a mother birthing her baby into the hands of his father. This birth was finally the perfection I had been trying to achieve with the others and Stephanie was a huge contributor to that perfection.

I can't tell you how sad I am to know she won't be a part of this next one. So now the search is on for that "perfect" replacement. It seems impossible to me that I'll be able to find someone who meets all my criteria (I'll admit they are high standards) but then I think back to how I thought I'd never love a midwife like I loved Claudine and look what happened...I found Stephanie.

Truth is: I always say, "Every woman is in love with her obstetrician because they feel like he GAVE her her baby." The same thing applies to midwives; when a person is party to something as life altering as birth, when they are present at that moment that a piece of your heart is torn from your body and will walk around outside of you for the rest of your life; you can't help but develop an unbreakable bond.

So...the search is on. Guess I'd better stop putting it off and find somebody.